Smashing Pumpkins - Thirty Three

Hi blog. I had a really great weekend in Waco. It's always good to see the family. I'm sad the weekend is over. I could use another few days relaxed and around people who love me. I feel fragile tonight. I just wish I felt better about everything tonight. I'm in my room with Smashing Pumpkins with a lump in my throat. It's so weird how insecure I can feel in just a split second. Someone's actions can completely change how I feel. Tonight this guy threw a card I made him to the side without laughing. It was a silly note meant to make him laugh. Instead I think I just annoyed him. I hate feeling annoying.

I need a boy to hug me and tell me I'm pretty. That would really make me feel so much better.

I've been awake to long. Feeling nostalgic for my friends. The fair always reminds me of Justin and Keller. It's not the same without them. Found a good band. Au revoir Simone. I wonder if we'll ever live in the same city again. I regret not doing more with my friends while we were all still around each other. I'm really tired. Going to stop writing this before it get's more sad.

Got to see my dog. He's great. Watched T.V with the parents. They are funny. Starting new music projects. And I'm actually enjoying my job. It's getting better. I'm lucky. Just need more sleep. Had a moment where I couldnt remember what time of day it was or if I'd eaten lunch yet. I couldnt read the clock either. It was odd. That's what my job does to me. But it's cool.

Going to the fair with Erin tomorrow. I just want to see the animals and the art. Going to see Muse on Monday. Then Tuesday I'm off work. Holler. Will spend day planning huge Halloween bash.

I wish I knew where things were in Dallas. Will make it a goal to learn more. Ok bye.

I'm back.

It's been a while. I decided blogging is not something I'd like to continue. Having all my thoughts out there on the net for whoever to read seems odd. But then as I read through my blog I realized it's nice to have a record. So, I'll just ignore that feeling and continue to write what I want hoping the wrong eyes don't decide to read this.

I've realized so much in the last few months. I've moved to Dallas and gotten a new job. I've met new people. Said goodbye to others. It's been fun. It's been hard. The job thing was a feat in itself. I found a job within a week of moving here. I remember in Waco praying for the opportunity to find a job that would teach me new skills and give me more opportunities. I definitely got what I asked for. I feel lost most of the time and like I'm tripping over myself. But the people are patient and willing to teach me. Sure there are a few jerks in the mix but that's true with pretty much anything. I think I'll stick it out. I do really miss Hillcrest and all my friends there. It really did feel like a family.

2009 has been a crazy year for my family. We've had a death, a wedding, a new baby, a job change, robbery, divorce, more health stuff... how do we all make it? It's interesting to think about how many intense things happen. So many lives exist in the world with so many complicated things. Life truly is a miracle.

I went to a YSA conference and got to hear Elder Uchtdorf speak. It was really neat because all of my Waco friends were there. It was so great to see everyone. I took notes while he spoke. Here's kind of a generalization of what he said. I had to write fast so some of it might not make sense.

"I recommend as you prepare to look out and reach out to people that you open your mind and heart to those around you. They are there and ready to share life with you. Make sure your goals are set high. The gospel is more than this life. Know who you are. A child of God. have a strong testimony. If you know who you are you will know who God is. The power of the atonement is what makes it possible for peace and purity to come to us as we accept Christ as the way. D&C 58:42. (grace of heaven..to find peace in our lives?? my notes got a little unreadable here) This process is given to us to progress through life. As we follow that process and apply true repentance God forgives us. "I will remember them no more" Don't go back to memories and doubt that he has forgiven you. You will be protected not to do them again. Through repentance and forgiveness we cleanse our soul, mind, spirit. I invite you to keep the commandments. Search the scriptures. Ask God with your heart, be open to answers through scriptures and revelation. Trust. Don't doubt. Go slowly. Step by step. Serve God. Trust in the Lord that things will work out. If you live righteously no blessing will be lost from you. Enjoy this life and gospel by serving and being friends. Nurture ourselves by doing what we know is right. ... (this last part I really loved)...You are the lone stars. Don't let your worries get the best of you. Moses started out as a basketcase:) Keep the commandments and things will turn out great. Choose agency wisely. It is the greatest gift next to life. The choices are yours. Then he quotes one of the Harry Potter books "Harry doubting his qualifications though the sorting hat put him in the wrong building- it only put me in griffendor because I asked not to go to slyntherine." It is our choices that show what we really are. Choose the right and God will bless you. You are a people of goodness. Move forward with life with confidence because God is with you! If you are on Gods side nothing will be against you. Endure joyfully. You will find joy in serving. Find education in your lively hood and accept options with confidence that God will bless you and protect you and bear you up. You've heard Gods voice in your heart today. God is with you. God is with you.

His talk was very positive. I really felt like it was a confirmation of things I'd already felt. Most of it was common sense. We need to improve our lives by doing good things. I feel like I'm headed in the right direction for once.

I have a crush on someone that I think is definitely worth knowing. Sometimes I wish I could just be crazy and scary and tell people I'm impressed with that I just wish I could know them more. I'm afraid he will over look me because of how I look though. It always happens. I'm tired of that happening. Definitely will need to fix that problem. Will try not to be sad about that. It never gets easier though.

what's the logical way to have fun

It's been a hell of a two days.

weird thing number 1.)

I knew this guy. We met at MCC. He was nice and always paid attention to me. He asked me out for burgers once. I did not go. I did not feel attracted to him but I did like the attention. We both had aspirations to be nurses. That semester my grandmother died and I had gall stones. I was depressed. He said he noticed. He said he noticed that I'd have one good day, then a bad. It was nice to have someone notice. We lost contact. Skip ahead 10 years. I'm going to MCC to take the nurse entrance exam. I see him. I feel shy. I feel embarrassed and I hope he does not remember me because I'm fifty pounds heavier. He see's me. Smiles. Asks if I remember him. We talk. He tells me he's opened a restarant and invites me to come by. Wishes me luck with my test. He said he never forgot my voice.

This week waco trib front news show's a guy who is suspected of killing a woman, then stabbing himself twice before throwing himself off the I-35 passover. It was him.

I feel sad for him. He was a good person. It creeps me out that such a small moment of passion can take over a person and ruin things. We're all suseptible to it. But I truly beleive we are all good people. Creepy. Also, what if I had taken him up on the date? What if I made him angry? Creepy

weird thing number 2)
My life is at a cross-roads. I was faced with decision to either move to dallas and work as an LVN...having lots of fun with my friends. Or stay in Waco one more year to get my RN..which would guarantee financial indepedence. I chose to stay but I'm having a hard time with that decision. I feel like I'm old. And I don't want to miss out on creating memories with my closest friends. But I also feel old and like it's time to get finished with school. So, we'll see what happens. Application is due May 15. If I don't get in....hello Dallas here I come. Either way, I'm always living and having fun. So, I guess it'll be okay. I don't want to have another lonely summer though.

weird thing number 3)
I've struggled all my life with my weight. It's hard. I've finally learned how to eat healthy. But I feel like I have to do more than just eat healthy to not be what I am. I feel like I have to push myself hard..and I have no energy to do it. That's enough about that.

If anyone knows the secret to having beach wave hair please let me know. I desire this due for Angela's wedding. I've googled several options. I guess it's time to expirament and see which one works best.

Lastly I feel like one of the saddest things is a summer spent with no sunshine, beach, lake, ukelele, friends, and ice cream.

Okay so...what do I say ya know?

I LOVE my friends. The last few weeks I've been blessed to have spent some nice times with people who are cool. They make me feel normal. Mary Jackson you make me feel normal. Amy bought me dinner. Laura yelled at me when I was in a funk. Alison answers my emails and is nice to talk to. We both like emo 80's gay band people. Same goes for Embaly. Embaly is Embaly. Mario music companion for life. Supplier of oreos and lover to all boys who have girlfriends. haha jk. Erin, Danny and I star gazed at the lake. That was nice. I miss Erin. She's also a fellow nintendo player lover who makes me speak in a northern accent. Danny is my companion in saying the names of male anotomy. If I say "Balls" he says "scrotum". No wonder I was going to marry him at four years old. Angela, my sister who's always trying to make sure I do the right thing...and don't say the wrong thing. She keeps me from having irrational moments. I witnessed a drug deal outside the window at work. It's always so exciting here. My boss is making me laugh. I love Sharon. She is the best!!! Jared makes me curry and got me flowers on Valentines. Luke does not get offended when he should. Jon Garcia cracks me up with his storm chasing under glow. Mary Felber cheers me up because she's always happy no matter what. Justin called me this week. I like that we're friends for so long. It's great. Mike always reminds me to take my vitamins. I swear I'm not some hippy on "I love you" drugs. I'm just feeling the need to talk. Jasmine and Keller. Scarey movie buddies who have huge TV to shoot Mexicans on. How awesome they are.

Now I'm going to have a Placebo rant. Also, I'm sorry for leaving out some people in the friend part. I know I did. It sucks but it's my blog. So, please forgive me.

I'm in love with Placebo. They rock my life 5 of the 7 days in the week. I really really really want to see them live. I will do all that I can to make this happen. If only I could have a night in Texas under the stars with Placebo. Also with a cute boy to stand behind me and cover my ears if they start hurting. Seriously, having a boyfriend seems like work. But I would love to have a concert romance just once. I know. It's silly. But it sounds so lovely. So, one day I'll have a placebo concert romance. Brian Molko will sing his heart out...and I won't be able to control myself. There will be PDA's happening! Wow, I need to stop.


Here are some Brian Molko quotes. "I refuse to be held responsible for bringing back a wave of pasty-faced people into the world. "

"My mouth has a tendency to get me into trouble, but because I'm so small and I take on people who are larger than me. If someone punched me, I'd get my drummer beat them up. "


I wish I had a drummer who would beat people up. Well, not really. But you get the idea.

happy days

 today was splendid even though i woke up with gas and a runny nose. i walked around for a little bit,  took 4 pills and layed back down. i felt better after a while:)  emily, alison and I went for a little morning smashing pumpkins drive. i confessed to them that if a guy ever falls in love with me to the point of no return...he must learn cherub rock and sing it to me but with his own lyrics that are about me. if he can't do that then it's just not worth it to date him. i love that song. it makes me feel like i'm flying. anjuli came down from austin with her baby. he drooled on me a lot but i didnt care. that's the first time i have not cared about baby drool...just means i really like anjuli. we went to angelas bridal shower. it went great. my family and friends did a great job. i took a lot of pictures. we all went shopping and i bought a skirt. alison and i had a heart to heart while we waited on my computer to finish burning placebo. i sure wish we could have gone to eat at texas roadhouse with justin. that would have made this day even better. flirting with big lots guy would have been fun to. oh well. i'm really tired. goodnight. 

I'm dedicating this to the Hillcrest IT department

the end.

a friend of mine burned all her journals. i wish i could burn this blog.  i feel like a different person. so, goodbye to "the spot". who knows maybe i'll continue if i can't think of another cool blog name. we'll see. 

nevermind that link. it requires you to make an account. i'll just email you the song if you want it. 

Giving Up

Hi. It's been a while. Not much to say except I'm a lot happier, I caught a rat, I'm 28 and I bought a Ukelele. Tonight is my first night playing this. This is me butchering Ingrid Michaelson's song Giving up.